Living is not a straight or obstacle-free road
Families, it is often said, comes in all shapes, sizes and forms. We have the family comprising a mother, a father and a number of children, and we have families comprising parents, children and grandparents. We have matriarchal families in which the mother plays the main role in how the family functions, and we have patriarchal families in which the father's dictate carries the day.
We have what we call nuclear families, in which the family is comprised of 'mummy and daddy and their 2.4 children', and functions as an autonomous and self-sufficient unit, with the grandparents not playing an integral role in how the nuclear family unit functions, beyond the contacts which they have with their children and grandchildren
Whatever kind of family unit a person has the privilege of growing up in, they will, naturally, establish two kinds of relationship with with the other people in the family. The first is the biological, or, 'blood' relationship they have with other members of the family. This is an unconditional relationship over which they have no control; mummy is your mummy and daddy is your daddy, and there is nothing you can do to undo that fact.
Then there is the more important relationship; the emotional relationship you develop with the people closest to you in your infancy and formative years. The ones you establish weak or strong bonding and attachments with. The ones you go to when you are hungry, and know that they will feed you. The ones you go to when you are frightened and has been hurt, knowing that they will take you in their arms and comfort and try to reassure you. The ones you ask to take you out and play with you, and the ones you ask if they 'love you', when you have been naughty, not knowing it yet, but in fact, asking them for 'unconditional love.'
And then, something terrible happens, and you find that your safe, secure and stable world has been shattered, and your parents do not love each other anymore, and you must be separated from the one who is no longer living with you. If you are fortunate, then mummy and daddy might ensure that you continue to have good contacts with the grandparents and the uncles, nieces and cousins with whom you have now established good relationships with. This affords you the opportunity of having some consistency and security in your life, while you struggle to understand what is happening to you and your life and to have some control over events and assuage your loss and pain.
But, what happens that lead to these apparently good relationships withering and, in some cases, dying, in adulthood, when adult children and grandchildren appear to turn their backs on the 'good' relationships their parents and grandparents believed they had with them?
When your adult son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter, display no interest in maintain their contact with you anymore, even though, now adults, you might have expected that they would be aware of the value of doing so?
And so, we watch what we thought was a good relationship - from our worldview - withering and dying, and are saddened by it, but uncertain about whether we should do anything more to try to rescue it and nurture it. And so, you might begin to wonder what went wrong and when it went wrong? Was it when your granddaughter or grandson, daughter or granddaughter's separated from one parent? Was it a result of the trauma? Was there really an 'emotional relationship' between you and your son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter, from their perception?
And so, the parties, in their attempt to deal with this sad situation, might reduce their contacts even further, if, indeed, they have been seeing each other. Their communication, like their 'relationship', withers, as one or the other or both, waits for the other to make contact; to communicate and give their account of what had gone wrong and why, if they know. To say whether or not they place any value on resuming their 'non-relationship.'
It is the case, I believe, that an adult's perception of his/her relationship with a child will always be materially and emotionally different from the child's perception of the 'relationship.' This is likely to even more so when the adult is not a primary or shared carer for the child. The child might perceive the 'relationship' more from a materialistic and fun perspective, whereas the adult might see it more from an emotional and familial perspective.
Enjoy your living as much as you can, and do contemplate on whether their are relatives and family friends whom you might have marginalised from your life, but who would appreciate hearing from you.
A bridge links two land masses together, but it can also link the past to the present and guide the way towards the future.
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